As taught by depression, yippee… but really, this is the end of this lil’ section on not joy. The picture was taken at the Oregon coast this past weekend. Always so beautiful, even in the rain.
As odd as these past 2 years have turned out I suppose there’s no time like the present for some good ol’ life lessons. And these have been numerous. I’m not religious, but the struggle with depression has made me a far, far, far more grateful human being. I’m not saying I was ungrateful prior to having all of the shitty feels. For what it’s worth, I’m just much more grateful each day I wake up. It’s an odd juxtaposition.
On one hand, it’d be so much simpler if I just didn’t get up some days. On the other, I at least get to experience a sense of victory of sorts by defying how I feel and getting up anyway. And getting showered, and dressed. And pickling something. And waiting.
I’ve learned how much I love being alive. And how actually stubborn I am. When my brain really wants me to give up and I don’t because I don’t WANT TO & AM DETERMINED TO STICK AND STAY, it’s a lesson in perseverance.
I’ve learned how generous and loving people can be. Instead of kicking this dog while she’s down, numerous people came out of the woodwork to ease the burdens and sooth the pains. Not totally what I expected or not at all what happens to everyone.
I’m still working on learning more from this. Like, do I have a headache because I’m depressed or am I developing migraines (I sure as hell hope not). Like, let’s see what kind of shit I feel like today… Is that depression, allergies, a hangover, a cold? Does it matter?
Being a mess, an unemployed mess, has made me into the horse you can lead to water. You can’t make it drink. Learning to receive gifts is apparently hard. I’ve spent many years practicing to be self-sufficient and only now I realize:
- That’s stupid.
- It’s not true.
- Everybody needs something outside of themselves.
- Everybody needs people other than themselves.