Running through quicksand

I forgot to share this photo the other night when I took it, but it has been a beautiful fall this year. Although I live in city, it’s dark enough that I can sometimes see some of the stars. On occasion, I can pick out Orion in the night sky. The shade of the sky in this one is one of my favorite colors.

Doubling down today:

Tiring

Treading the murky morass of the depressed life is super-tiring. I am so very over it. Maybe the general lack of sleep doesn’t help, but FFS, people!

I sleep poorly, I get up early and/or often. I face long stretches of time alone. Nobody’s fault, just how it is. I try to avoid napping because that trashes your sleep cycle. Mine is already pretty well trashed, so I am not too clear on the difference. It’s an odd existence right now. I’ve been working since I was 15. Not working is weird. Yeah, I know I am lucky I could survive a year without employment. It’s no harbinger of future success. It feels like quicksand. It’s that damn recurring dream where I am trying to get somewhere, get to work, but I can’t find all my shit and it’s taking forever. Or the dream where I am running in super slow-motion. Or the dream where I am falling, forever. Exhausting.

Trying

This may seem a small distinction from “tiring” and “unpredictable” but these subtle shades of different accumulate and add to the experience, for better or worse. The effort required to do the basics—get up, shower, give a shit, focus on anything, ignore the constant headache, leave the apartment, not wallow, be friendly, seek inspiration, follow my heart, apply to jobs, etc. It’s any of it too much and all of it chips away at the cold stone my heart calcified into when I fell down the well.

What’s trying? Here are a few examples:

  1. Feeling lost in midst of everything I thought was going well.
  2. Trying to explain to important and really awesome people how I am falling apart.
  3. Doing nada mucho and simultaneously feeling incredibly overwhelmed.
  4. Feeling like the only thing I can do well right now is disappoint people.
  5. Knowing that 4. isn’t true but not being able to shake it off.

It’s trying when confidence evaporates. Poof. Gone. People see that straight off. And if you are me, you know they know. Not cool.


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