What I cannot understand

In its unpredictability lies the most nefarious element of depression. I have no idea WHY this occurs. I literally returned from a kick-ass vacation to Hawaii’s Big Island and was loving my job when the latest round of depression slapped me upside the head.

At first, of course, I didn’t know what was happening. I was too busy to care anyway. A month in, I recognized what it was. A couple of months in, I leveled with my boss, who was super supportive. I did all of the things—self-care out the wazoo. Too bad depression is a honey badger and doesn’t give a damn.

Not understandable is a nice way of saying “absolutely crazy-making.” To this point, I have tried batches of psych meds. There may ought to be a section on the wacky reactions I’ve dealt with. Rarely does the medication work. The side effects are another beast altogether. I feel like Alice in Wonderland. One pill to make you smaller. One pill to make you taller (in my case, chubbier). Hallucinations, headaches, increased anxiety. Fun times.

All of the side effects occur in defiance of the drugs’ intended impacts. All of the prescriptions I’ve tried were given to me under medical care by incredibly competent, kind, and patient professionals. This shit just isn’t predictable. Which is why it sucks.


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